Ask, and ye shall receive
by celes dawn
Summary: Who ties Yuber's braids? Certain crucial questions are answered. A non-yaoi Yuber and Albert fanfic.
1. Chapter 1: Steam was never this funny

Ask, and ye shall receive By celes dawn and vera  
  
Disclaimer: All Suikoden III characters belong to Konami. Though we would love to terrorize them into giving us Yuber and Albert. *hush* we weren't suppose to reveal that yet. We disclaim that we wrote that.  
  
Chapter one: Steam was never this funny  
  
In order to fulfill his diabolical plans, Luc gathered a handful of supporters, the drone Sarah, the strategist Albert, but there was a missing ingredient.  
Luc needed a killer that could eliminate targets efficiently and without remorse. That is, a meat wagon. Since as we all know, you can't cast a spell if you get whacked. And every good team has a hard hitter.  
This task was given to Albert. Since he always gets the weird jobs. Albert then used his occult powers and summons Yuber. Now if Albert can use his occult powers to summon cool monsters, he should have done it in the first place, instead of depending on Sarah. They could have destroyed the world by now.  
*Cough, cough.*  
These are the occurrences in the early days of this unholy alliance.  
  
***  
  
Albert caught Yuber slaughtering a Harmonian soldier. As usual, Yuber is all bloody. And obviously, the soldier is dead.  
Albert sighs, "That's the fifth one this week. I told you to control your urges Yuber."  
"Bah! Caught again. How is it you always manage to spoil my fun... gah!" Yuber is displeased, very.  
"Get back to headquarters Yuber. Right. Now." After seeing Yuber march off in the general direction of the headquarters, Albert has the distasteful task of arranging a cover-up story. "Luc won't be pleased about this."  
  
*Guest appearance by Luc.  
  
Luc: I'm not.  
  
***  
  
"Damn it, Yuber! Into the bath, right now."  
Albert and Yuber entered the bathroom, with only towels giving a sense of modesty.  
"But he was a filthy worm! He was begging to be extinguished!" Yuber gave the hot water a suspicious look. Finally he dipped his hand into the water. "Yeouch!" he recoils back. "I don't understand why humans enjoy scalding themselves."  
"Because it is relaxing." Albert replies nonchalantly.  
Yuber gave Albert a dirty look. "And how is turning into a beetroot relaxing?"  
"That's why I brought you here."  
"I'll rather be killing people."  
"Not in broad daylight, Yuber."  
Yuber rolls eyes. "Isn't that the point of being a superior demon? To wreck havoc upon the filthy, weak humans!"  
"That's the point of the bath."  
"What?"  
"So that we are not filthy." Albert locates the sponge.  
"..." A very long pause. "I don't care what you say, Silverberg. I'm getting out of this steamboat!" Yuber turns to the door to leave.  
Albert waits until Yuber is at the threshold. "You'll be able to kill people soon enough, Yuber. You just have to learn to be patient."  
"I want. To kill. Now." Note how Yuber emphasizes his words.  
"No, bath first. Kill later."  
"Not in this hot water."  
Albert chooses to ignore Yuber's whining. "Before you get into the hot tub, you have to wash yourself first..."  
"Are you listening to me?"  
"...with cold water." Albert proceeds to demonstrate.  
"I will not be ignored!" Yuber loses his cool. He can't take it when people don't pay attention to him, poor boy, poor demon.  
Albert finishes his demo. "It's really easy. Now you try." Albert can be so cold hearted. But heck, he makes the perfect nanny.  
"Stop ignoring me..." Yuber is at the verge of tears. If he was a weak human, he would be crying by now... be thankful he isn't.  
Albert finally stops his 'silent' treatment. "I will, if you take a bath."  
"Oh alright." Poor Yuber, just cause he wants attention. "But after this, we – kill." Yuber starts to wash himself.  
Albert kneels behind Yuber and scrubs his back.  
Yuber jumps up, startled. "What the hell were you doing?!!"  
Albert coolly replies, "Scrubbing your back."  
"What for?" Yuber has the expression that he is about to bite Albert to bits.  
"Because that's how it's done. Now sit down."  
"I don't care! Don't you lay a finger on me!"  
"Fine, then you scrub my back."  
"Why should I?"  
"So that you can get back to killing people."  
"Damn, you're right." Having no option left, Yuber picks up the sponge and scrubs Albert's back.  
A few minutes later. "You're pretty good at this, Yuber. You should work in a bathhouse, instead you're wasting your talent killing people."  
"Damn you Silverberg. If it wasn't because I need to kill later, I wouldn't be entertaining you."  
"Entertaining? Oh yes, maybe you should be a comedian instead." He pauses. "A little harder there, Yuber."  
Yuber fumes in silence. He's suffering from the torment of Albert Silverberg. Have pity.  
"Are you sure you don't want me to scrub your back?"  
"If I can stop scrubbing your back, yes." Of course, Yuber had a lot more to say, but due to the explicit nature, we have edited it out.  
"Very well." Albert finally gets to scrub Yuber's back. "You don't go out much, do you?"  
"What do you mean by that?"  
"You're as pale as death's skull."  
Of course, that was a stupid question. D'uh. Yuber goes out a lot, since he has to kill every hour or so. On the other hand, he wears full body armor most of the time, so...  
Yuber starts to say something, "..."  
"Never mind, just get into the hot tub." Albert's real good... he doesn't give anyone a chance. Why stick to being the strategist? He could be the ruler of Harmonia!  
The two get into the tub. Albert closes his eyes, and enjoys the hot water. The steam on his face feels good too.  
After a long silence.  
"You know," Yuber says, "This ain't half bad."  
  
End of chapter one 


	2. Chapter 2: Braids never looked so good

Disclaimer: All Suikoden III characters belong to Konami. But any weird warping of the characters' minds is ours.  
  
Chapter two: Braids never looked so good  
  
*Guest appearance by Sarah!  
  
After the hot tub scene, Albert brings Yuber to his room. After suiting up in that cool trench coat of his, Albert browses through his wardrobe, trying to pick something fashionably decent for Yuber. Since Yuber totally ruined the last one, he had to look for another that wouldn't suffer from bloodstains.  
Yuber folded his arms across his chest and starts tapping his foot on the floor, impatiently. "Just pick the first shirt you see."  
"Don't you wear pants?" Albert glances back at Yuber for a second.  
"I'm not wearing any now."  
"Don't be so barbaric. You can't run around in a loin cloth." Inspecting each outfit hanging in the large, okay, humongous closet, Albert finally picks out what is now known as the MJ (Michael Jackson) suit. "Here wear this."  
With a sneer, "This looks stupid." It is obvious, demons and humans do not have the same fashion sense. Why else would Yuber wear that horny armor?  
"Watch it, I really like that suit. And if you ever ruin it, you will be so..."  
"So what?"  
"...so stuck in this world. For all eternity."  
There was only one thing that ran through in Yuber's mind: That is a fate WORSE then being nice to Sarah. "No, I refuse to remain in this filthy world!"  
"Good, we have come to an agreement." Only Albert could have pulled off this stunt.  
"We only agreed to me killing again after the bath."  
"You're right. Which is tomorrow morning."  
"But...but what am I supposed to do before morning?" Yuber shrieks.  
Albert looks at the half naked Yuber pathetically. "You can stay here and let your urges drive you nuts." He is so incredibly cruel... "Or you can follow me."  
"That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard."  
"You should learn how to infiltrate an enemy base without attracting attention."  
"We're gonna infiltrate the enemy base right now?"  
"But you can't go out with that messy hair."  
"And what do you propose to do about that? Chop it all off?"  
"That would be a waste. Let me braid it for you."  
Yuber is absolutely stunned by that idea. "By the 73 levels of hell, I'll be damned if I let you do that!"  
"I suppose you could do it yourself."  
"Watch me." Yuber then tries, but fails miserably. "Damn this stupid braiding."  
"You don't even know how to braid, do you?"  
"Shut your wussy ass up!" Yuber tries again, but again he couldn't figure out how to twist the braids.  
Albert lays the MJ suit on the bed, and then slowly turns to Yuber. "Ready to give up now?"  
Yuber tries for the third time. A futile attempt, braiding is futile. "Bah, alright!"  
"Right, sit down on the bed." Since Albert gets so much practice, he can only be the best strategist ever. Take that, Caesar!  
Yuber sits down. "Just make it quick."  
Albert starts on Yuber's hair, but his efforts are hampered by Yuber's fidgeting. "If you stop moving around, it will be quick."  
"Fiiiine."  
Albert nicely braids up Yuber's hair, surprisingly it was done real professionally. You don't suppose he has a secret sister that Konami hasn't officially announced yet? "Now hold on to this end. I have to find something to hold it together."  
Yuber held on to the braid's end, while Albert opens one drawer after another, pulling up miscellaneous objects.  
"Hmm..." Albert pulls out a hair loop. Now why on earth, oops, Suikoden III would Albert have those. This makes you think. What if – no way... "This would do. It even matches your outfit."  
"You SET me up, didn't you Silverberg?!" Yuber snarled, as Albert used the hair loop to bind his braid.  
"I assure you..." Albert then hands Yuber the MJ suit. "...I'm innocent. It's a mere coincidence."  
"If you're innocent, then I'm the head bishop." Yuber's voice is slightly muffled as he puts on the suit.  
Albert adds the finishing touch, the umber cool hat. "So that you won't get a tan." He even puts that hat on Yuber's head, gasp! "Now we're all set."  
"Albert!" Sarah knocks on the door. "Where's Yuber?"  
Being the gentleman he is, Albert opens the door and lets Sarah in. After making sure and double checking that Yuber is impeccable. "Right here."  
Sarah stops, staring at Yuber's new clothes. "Yuber... you actually look normal..."  
Yuber is mortally offended by Sarah's comment. Now you know why they can't get along in the game. "I do not like that."  
It was Albert's duty to prevent Sarah and Yuber from tearing each other to pieces. "If you don't look normal, you won't be able to infiltrate the enemy's base."  
"And braids look good on you too." Sarah couldn't resist saying it.  
"I should have just chopped off the hair." Yuber looked exasperated.  
Albert turned his attention to Sarah. "Is something the matter Sarah?"  
"Master Luc wants to see you, both."  
Yuber complains, obviously dissatisfied. "What does that punk kid want now?"  
Sarah gives him the 'death-glare'. "Master Luc is not a kid. And he certainly isn't a punk." Now she turns her deadly eyes to Albert. "Albert, I told you to explain it to him."  
"Yuber has selective memory."  
Yuber pulls the brim of his hat lower. "Because you promised that I would be able to kill a lot of people, I won't slay you now."  
"Never mind that. Let's just see what Luc wants."  
  
End of Chapter two 


	3. Chapter 3: Lounge singers and piano play...

Disclaimer: All Suikoden III characters belong to Konami. And their secrets are better kept then Fort Knox security after Osama threatened to blow it up.  
  
Chapter three: Lounge singers and piano players  
  
*Guest appearance by Nash!  
  
The meeting took 3 hours. The contents of which is unnecessary to be stated here. Why was the meeting so long? Heck, even we don't know. But perhaps the following conversation will enlighten us. Yuber, out in the streets of Harmonia with his permanent scowl, "Why does that punk kid even bother to call a meeting?! He's already got everything planned out."  
"He just needs to make sure you understand, Yuber." said Albert.  
"I understood the mission ages ago. We're supposed to attack Dunan, right?"  
"... Maybe we should have another meeting tomorrow morning." Albert starts walking away.  
"Are you going to bring me to infiltrate the enemy's base or what?" Yuber follows behind.  
"You're right. Let me show you how it's done." Albert then brings Yuber around Harmonia, seeing the sights, walking the main streets, browsing the shops... and whatever else they do in Harmonia.  
  
***  
  
The sun had already set when Yuber finally asked, "Weren't you going to bring me to infiltrate the enemy's base?"  
"Be quiet, Yuber. You'll blow our cover." Albert and Yuber walk into the Modesto's Bar & Grill. They sit at the bar and order drinks.  
Modesto's was a rather classy joint. Of course it had to be, or Albert wouldn't dream of setting foot or toe in it. It was the place where the military captains and other high-ranking officers congregate. If you needed favors or wanted anything done, Modesto's was the place to start.  
The bar is stylishly decorated, simple yet elegant. Besides the bar, it had a stage where the entertainers performed, and an area with tables. Those who came to see the entertainers usually sit here. The rest, would mingle with the ones at the bar.  
Yuber stared suspiciously at the lounge singer. "You want me to kill her, don't you?"  
"No. She's not the boss."  
"So you want me to kill the boss."  
"No, I want you to shut up and drink your drink."  
The large mug shoved under Yuber's face was an amber liquid, topped with foamy substance. Yuber sniffed at it, getting foam up his nose. "You trying to poison me?!"  
"People drink with their mouths in the human world, Yuber, not their nose." Albert at least has the heart to pass Yuber a napkin, actually it is all for the sake of the MJ suit.  
"I drink with my mouth, damn you! And I wasn't talking about that."  
"It's called beer. It's a staple drink here. Don't you drink this in the demon realm?"  
"No. We drink orc's blood."  
Albert raised his eyebrow, just a tiny bit. "Just drink it down." He takes a few gulps of his beer.  
Yuber follows suit. He finishes it in one go. "It's weird, but I kinda like it."  
  
***  
  
"Yuber, I think you should slow it down."  
"What do you mean?" Yuber stares intently at his half-finished drink.  
"You're already at your 27th drink."  
"27th? I thought I was at my 73rd." Yuber blinks a couple of times, turns to stare at Albert. "... You know what? You're kinda hot."  
Caught off guard, Albert says, "What are you talking about?"  
"You remind me of this kid I used to know, back in the demon realm. He was kinda cute." Yuber said his words slowly, seriously.  
"I'm not sure if I want to hear the rest."  
"No – let me finish. Me and this brunette used to be best buddies, you know? Always hang out together, doing stuff, you know, like killing people. I was better then him, always won."  
"Uh-huh..."  
"But then one day, he bested me. And ever since then, it wasn't just rivalry, no it had become a blood feud. After many, many years battling it out, to my surprise, he actually gave me his sword. He totally disappeared after that. And I haven't heard of him ever since." There was a long silence, the bartender poured Yuber another drink, which Yuber gulps down. "...You know what? I actually miss him. What about you? I'm sure you had experiences like that before."  
"I'm not sure if this qualifies... but there was this incident when I was younger, I accidentally happen to come across Miss Apple..."  
"Miss Apple?"  
"Miss Apple is an old family friend. Anyway I accidentally saw Miss Apple... undressing." The silence is deafening. "She was hot."  
"Bartender, another round! Go on, Albert."  
The bartender was suddenly very attentive, even more so then usual.  
"Well... I sorta told my younger brother about it and he misunderstood me. We've been enemies since that day." Albert 's gaze was fixed on his beer, but he didn't drink it.  
Yuber laughs. "That's a silly reason to hate somebody."  
"Not as silly as you playing with your swords in the bath tub."  
"I did not play with my swords in the bath tub!"  
"Then explain what were you doing with your swords when I summoned you from the demon realm."  
"How was I supposed to know you were going to summon me when I was taking a bath?!"  
"So you do admit that you play with your swords as rubber duckies in the bath tub."  
"It's not easy to take a bath in shark infested waters."  
"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. If you're going to defend yourself, at least pick a smarter statement."  
"It's not nearly as stupid as you insisting I wear your cast-offs. You could have just let me return and get my armor."  
"That would be attracting too much attention. But now that I think of it that would be better. Blood stains are hard to remove from designer clothes. I have to throw out the lot!"  
"I never asked you for any favors!"  
"You ungrateful cretin! I saved you from the indignity of running around buck naked!"  
Now all good bartenders will step in to break up a fight, before it gets ugly. "Hey, Albert, why don't you play us a tune? You're pretty good on the piano."  
"I'm not in the mood, Latkje."  
"It always cheers you up."  
"Fine." Albert gets up from his seat and heads to the piano. Soon he starts to play a slow sonata.  
  
***  
  
Albert returns to the bar and finds Yuber asleep. "Get up Yuber. I'm not gonna haul your ass all the way back to headquarters."  
"..." Yuber's condition: knocked-out.  
"Fool."  
The bartender laughs. You should know by now who he is. "He's a rookie ain't he? Nookie nookie time, eh Albert?"  
"You mind your own business." Albert grabs Yuber and drags him out of Modesto's.  
"Don't forget to come back tomorrow!" Mr. bartender calls out cheerily.  
  
End of Chapter 3  
  
Authors' note: These people are not gay. We are not saying they are gay. It is not our fault if your hyperactive imagination gets the better of you. The idea for Albert's pianist side came from suikonline.net. Why did we write this story? Well, it started with a question: Who ties Yuber's braid? It is inconceivable that Yuber would actually do it himself, so someone must be doing it for him! So from there we asked, where did the MJ suit come from? And so on... The characters in this story might be a little bit out of character. Specifically Albert and Yuber. 


End file.
